I left class today feeling a bit down. Not because I did badly (on the flip side, I got a 92 on my last test, so now just a final left to worry about!) but because I was feeling left out again. This feeling isn’t new to me and it’s not intentional on anyone’s part. It’s my lot in life, I guess. I am always the “extra”, so to speak. The person who is friends with lots of people but doesn’t have anyone that they really connect with. I have never had a best friend. Well, full stop. I fully acknowledge that my mom is my best friend. I love her, we have lots in common (I mean, she raised me, duh!) and without a doubt if I need her, she’s there. I really mean that I’ve never had a person in my life that has always been there and has been my go-to. That may not make sense to many people but I honestly have no other way to explain it.
Anyway, I digress because that’s not really the point of this. I left class feeling down. So I went to the gym. Now, at one point in my life, the sentence would end with the word cookies (and it still could because, cookies!) but now it doesn’t. That’s my point here. I went and worked my butt off. My arms are going to hurt, I ran for 30 minutes, I sweated (is that a word??) and an hour later, I feel better. Of course, if you’d like to apply for the position of best friend to a person who is obsessed with Star Trek, Doctor Who and cookies, I am taking applications!
I still have weaknesses. Lots of them, probably. I have things that need to be worked on and I definitely can still see the moments where my anxiety could go out of control and I end up a puddle on the floor. When I walked out of class today, I wanted to be a puddle on the floor. Instead of puddling (again… not really a word, but whatever), I drove the two minutes to the gym and worked my anxiety into submission. I’m better for it. A protein bar and an apple later and I feel as though I can make it to tomorrow. I will have to do some yoga before then though so I don’t turn into a ball of tight muscle overnight.
You have strength within you. It’s there. You may have to dig to find it but it’s there. The best way to find it is to start with a small moment and make it a big one. Put down the cookie and take a walk or lift a weight or do some yoga or go for a swim. Find that thing you can go to that will make your mind forget about the hurt, the anxiety, the whatever and find some release.